Urinal Etiquette

Today I had an experience that reminded me of something that I've wanted to bring up for a while now, and it happened in the men's room in the university library. For all of you sick and twisted people that read this, it is nothing sick or twisted, so read on. The event was what I consider to be a chief restroom faux pas, and the subject is Urinal Etiquette.

This is what happened:
I was standing in front of the far urinal (more on this momentarily), doing my thing, when another guy enters and approaches a urinal to relieve himself. Now, this is what you would expect an average Joe to do when entering a bathroom, but the problem was this: even though there were three vacant urinals, he chose the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

Now, for some of you, this may not be a big deal, and, truth be told, it isn't. However, there needs to be a general outlining of what I consider to be commonly observed rules that every guy should know instinctively. For those that don't know what these are, here are ten rules to pee by:

1) When approaching the urinal wall where one is being used, always choose the one that gives you the MOST distance from one currently in use. This is not just so you can feel comfortable about personal space and whatnot, but it is just d*** weird if you go right next to someone when you had the option not too.

2) When approaching the line of urinals, if you are the only one, choose the furthermost from the door and/or sinks. This will ensure that, even though it is highly unlikely that anyone will see your 'self'(or even looking), there will be even less of a possibility of this occurring. This phobia of other dudes sneaking a peek has much to do with rule number one as well.

3)When there are no available urinals, preferable to starting a line, use the stall. (contrary to popular practice, you can go number one just as easily as at a urinal, be advisedyou need to follow the same procedures you normally would, "if you tinkle... and all that")

4)In the event that ALL available urine depository units are occupied, you may form a line. In keeping with rule number 2, this should be furthermost from the door, and has the double sense of enabling you to access a stall should that be the first opening. ***MOST IMPORTANT*** is that you leave at least 4 feet of space between you an the guy you are waiting on. A personal note: one time at Lagoon, I was placed in the line situation and when I finally got to a urinal, the enormous black guy(not being racist, just descriptive) crowded to a mere half a foot away from me and proceeded (I imagine) to stare at my operation. Needless to say, it was an awkward situation. Not cool. Leave some space.

5) Don't look to either side. It is unnerving when you can tell from your peripheral vision that some dude is staring at you. Considering that there are good odds that dude is probably doing the same thing you are, this is just plain weird. Just keep your eyes lowered and focus on the task at hand... (heh heh). If there is a flyer or some other reading material at eye level or higher, it is OK and even expected that you read it; but not if it is over the adjacent stall, and certainly not if you have to crane your neck to see it a few stalls away.

6) Talking is unacceptable. In fact, humming, singing, eating, reading (magazine or book) and cell phone use (yes, even hands free technology) is strictly prohibited. This is one of the most violated rules, but also one of the most important. Only two buddies who know each other well can have a joking discussion while attending to bathroom business, and only if nobody else is present. If someone should enter, all conversation must cease. I suppose you can tell your good friends from your acquaintances by whether or not you can talk to them while taking care of restroom matters.

7) No excessive shaking. The Good Charlotte song of yesteryear, The Anthem gives you a good rule of thumb.

8) Don't put one hand up and lean on the wall. Actually, don't do anything strange. No sudden movements, no leaning, no spitting, no noises. Aside from the fact that men are notoriously poor multitaskers and this will place you in jeopardy of missing the target, this will tempt other urinal users to break rule # 5. Causing others to break the rules is nearly as deplorable as breaking them yourself.

9) Flush. This seems like a fairly standard protocol, but you'd be surprised at how many like to gun and run. Perhaps a violation of rule number five spooked them...

10) Wash your hands afterwards. Duh. But remember that just because you are free of the urinal yourself, you are still bound not to look at those less fortunate who are still otherwise engaged- rule #5 logic still applies.


Well, there you have it. I have had some interesting experiences going number one in my life, and can truthfully say that these are rules to live by. Once when I was a door to door salesman, I went in broad daylight while balanced awkwardly over a sewer grate. This was a desperate situation of course, but it was also rather hilarious. That job actually caused a few notable mishaps, such as the enclosed porch incident and the street lamp in the dark incident. That reminds me, Peru was a wealth of humor in that department. Aside from the drunken guys engaged in public urination (which caused Gluch and I coin the term "shleevy shleeve"), there are also urinals in the strangest places or in odd configurations. For example, the bus terminal in Arequipa has a eye level window that has no pane and looks out directly to the sidewalk and parking lot that runs the length of the bank of urinals.
And here is one of the more interesting middle of the street urinals in Tacna that I took a picture of (this was less than a block away from a house I lived in for 3 months while I was there).

But I digress...
Lest you think that these are just the deranged ramblings of one disgruntled urinator, I am inclined to direct you to a very informative post that a colleague in the blogosphere wrote that further develops the concepts outlined in rules 1 and 2: Urinal Protocol Vulnerability

Need even more alternative sources? Well, after about five clicks, I found that I am not the only proponent of Urinal Etiquette. Here are some important links to review:
Breaking the Unspoken Rule
How Men Pee In Urinals
The Rules of Urinal Etiquette

And, if you you really want to get serious about investigating the subject, visit:
The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette